I see my sunshine cracking through closed doors.

I am disappointed in me. I feel like I need to be alone in dark, closed behind some damn doors that will never open. I deserve it. Don’t I? With so much negative dangerous regret thoughts, there isn’t nothing good I deserve. I am too weak. I feel vulnerable with these raw emotions. Those wounds that is too raw to be healed. It stings when someone tries to heal. Tears start pouring down like insatiable river flowing towards its mysterious destiny. I have lost it. Lost control on my stupid emotions. And I don’t even know what is this all about. I feel nothing and everything. It’s too much to handle. All of them are deeply concealed.

I regret. I regret a lot. I regret not doing certain things. I regret saying YES. I regret saying NO. I regret laughing out loud. I regret talking. I regret that I can’t keep up with standards people around. I regret I wasn’t capable of taking up all opportunities that where knocking my door. I regret breathing. I regret the helplessness. I regret trusting people. I regret being born to this world. I regret to have people disappointed seeing me. I regret when I lose my cool. I regret wrong decisions that make me feel so exposed and vulnerable. I regret being used, misunderstood, taken granted for. I regret hurting people. I regret I was born with so many flaws. I regret being hurt. I regret not smiling at people who deserve to be acknowledged. I regret having mood swings that alter like chameleon. I regret that I am no fun. I regret a lot. I regret that I regret.

But there is something I haven’t lost yet. HOPE. I can see sunrays entering my dark room through the cracked doors. I can feel curtains dancing to the tunes of light breeze. With broken windows flaunting silver lining in the clouds, how can I lose my hope! I hear people humming me how I deserve to live. They restore my hopes. Assuring me, a moment of weakness is not something that I should be ashamed of. It’s okay to be not okay. Isn’t it!
©aesha

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